How To Create Healthy Boundaries With Love Instead of Fear
As we mature, we undoubtedly start to realize that not everyone is deserving of our love and attention. We also realize that too much of anyone or anything in our lives depletes us. No matter what, we all will find it necessary to establish boundaries in our lives, whether it’s at home, at work, or in friendships.
Some people avoid establishing boundaries because it feels scary or like being a buzzkill. Yet, drawing boundaries can be one of the most fulfilling and rewarding parts of your life that opens up your communication skills, your ability to enjoy your life, deepens your trust and intimacy, as well as boosts self esteem. It’s also a key ingredient to time management, success, and abundance!
But how do we start? How do we say what we need, how we feel, and carve out a reality that works for us without getting in fights or hurting people’s feelings? We are going to look at how to approach boundaries from a positive viewpoint so that you no longer dread having those conversations where you stick up for yourself, but rather look forward to them.
Have you ever met someone that had no boundaries? They’re the ones who always get taken advantage of. Maybe they allow colleagues to pile work on them without respect. Maybe you’ve seen a couple in an argument where one person is being treated unfairly and is too afraid to stand up for themselves. Maybe you yourself have had trouble setting boundaries in love, work, or with family. Guess what, everyone struggles with setting boundaries at some point! So don’t beat yourself up about it.
It would be great if we were raised with regular discussions about healthy boundaries but let’s face it, most of us weren’t. Now though, we can learn about them and shift to a brighter and healthier way of living!
How To Have A Loving Approach
Our choice of words, the intention behind what we say, and the tone we use all change the energy we bring to the moment we choose to set a boundary. Do we acknowledge someone’s attributes and share from a place of love or hostility? Do we think about how our request might make the other person feel?
You can visualize things going smoothly, people smiling, and weight being lifted before you have an important conversation. You can rewire your brain to look forward to opening up to someone instead of dreading it. Tell yourself, “this is healthy for both of us.” Truly it is, because people deserve honesty.
You don’t have to feel guilty about sharing your needs in a loving and straightforward way. Be aware of your own potential defensiveness, reactivity, and any tendencies to control or condescend so that you bring the most loving and harmonious energy you can.
Breathe, don’t rush. Have an intention. Look forward to the outcome. Know that this will plant a seed that allows for a better harvest.
Get Excited About Creating Healthy Boundaries
Here it is, the moment you have been waiting for (whether you knew it or not). We are going to reveal a perspective on creating boundaries that makes you feel warm and cuddly instead of feeling like you’d rather run away and continue having your boundaries stepped over.
There’s a stigma around saying how we feel because most people in society live quite a distance away from their true soul identity. We have tried to fit into pre-set roles of what a man or woman is supposed to like. We are chased by our real feelings, which we perceive as nuisances and weaknesses. However, those feelings are our true nature, the real self. Those feelings are not weaknesses but energy, trapped. They can very creatively be used to build depth and strength in your relationships. Did I lose you? Let me rephrase that by putting it in a real life context for you.
Have you ever been in a relationship where the communication was one-sided and you realize that you’re always the one reaching out, making an effort, and wanting to have deeper conversations? Perhaps you let that sadness eat you up inside. Maybe you felt lonely and didn’t voice it to the other person.
The other person may not have realized how you really felt. Did you avoid speaking up about how you need to be treated when it comes to affection and healthy communication? Did you avoid having that discussion entirely? You could have very well created a deeper bond with that person, had you looked forward to being transparent with them instead of running away.
The only things we risk when we are transparent is having a deeper connection with someone or knowing if we are wasting our time with someone. Not establishing a boundary about your needs will only lead to resentment, bitterness, and sadness.
What Do Healthy Boundaries Look Like?
Sometimes we define things based on what they aren’t. Having healthy boundaries means not working yourself to the bone for menial wages. Healthy boundaries mean not letting people put you down on a regular basis. Healthy boundaries mean not being bulldozed by what other people want to do all the time.
Healthy boundaries mean you are saying what you’re comfortable with, how you feel, and what you need to feel respected. Healthy boundaries mean your time and energy are balanced. That means you don’t allow yourself to binge drink until you throw up because you have a healthy boundary regarding alcohol. Don’t let your feelings build up and create resentment. Take time to share your feelings and discharge negative energy as it arises.
Healthy boundaries mean you are not sacrificing your personal values, health, or emotional well being in order to accommodate someone else. You should be consciously choosing how you use your time, and if something feels like it’s adding or depleting from your life, navigate accordingly. It’s a lifestyle, to say the least.
If you want to be valued in your work, become successful, feel respected in your relationships, and not harbor resentment, saying what you want will get you there. But only if you take a moment to do so with kindness and sensitivity to the human on the receiving end.
If you’re trying to establish boundaries by being callous and rude, people aren’t going to be receptive. But if you take a deep breath, come from a place of love and say, “hey, this is how I feel, so let’s make this better,” things will get better. Communication can be a source of power and happiness in your life if you use it right.
If you avoid setting boundaries for too long, it will become impossible to set them at all. If you start with small things, like not letting your partner keep you up until 2am watching television or not always cleaning up after your roommate, then it won’t become a major ordeal.
When it comes to our relationships, the strongest ones are those that have open, transparent communication and healthy boundaries where each person respects the other’s needs. This is across the board, whether it’s in love, friendship, family, or work relationships.
Setting boundaries does not mean depriving yourself of pleasure and fun, but giving yourself balance and moderation. It’s also being real with your habits and what you allow into your life so that everything adds value. Where in your life can you use love to create healthy boundaries with others and in your own life?
Related Article: How to Mend Broken Relationships (Before It’s Too Late)