Questions to Ask Yourself When Rebuilding a Relationship
Perhaps an explosive fight or some form of drama has wedged itself between you and your partner or friend. Maybe dishonesty has created a shift of trust in your relationship. Or maybe miscommunication has created some kind of shadow that hangs over you and your partner or friend.
You’re confused. You’re hurt.
But you’re willing to move past it. You’ve harnessed all the forgiveness and healing energies. You’ve both decided you want to make this relationship work.
So, where do you start?
Undoubtedly, relationships take work. Rebuilding a relationship from the ground up is no different. With divorce rates flying high at almost 40%, society supports change and the inevitable end. But it’s okay to not want to go that route. Or to keep ties with that old friend despite what has happened. The choice is always yours.
Let’s first assess where your headspace is at. This will help you understand and realize whether you are making the right decision for you and your life. From there, we’ll dive into questions you need to ask yourself when rebuilding your relationship.
How To Approach The Situation
You’ll want to go into it with a level head. Compromises are going to have to be made. Here are a few things to consider as you make your decision:
You both have to put your egos aside. Suppress the ideology that your perspective is more important than the other person’s view. Truthfully, it’s not. They are equally important, and the sooner you realize this, the better.
Try to come at the situation in a way that promotes understanding the other person’s point of view. And, communicate with them to do the same (or hey, read this article together to grasp how to handle going forward).
Assess Your Intentions
Are you in it to win it? Are you going to push a point? Are you planning on resenting the person and getting yours down the road? If you’re not intending on fixing the relationship, don’t even try. Again, relationships take work.
Be prepared to put in the work. But first, focus in on your intent. Is your intent to move forward and have this person as a positive part of your life in the future? If the answer is yes, your head is in the right place.
Forgiveness and healing go hand-in-hand with honesty. Be honest with not just the other person, but with yourself. Is this what you want? Or are you doing it to save face or because of external reasons? Confront your feelings. Untangle them. Write your thoughts down to help you sift through them.
Once you’re honest with yourself, bring that honesty to the other person involved. Lay out your feelings. Avoid blame. Allow them to say their part. Take turns.
Relating to humility, you’ll need to be selfless. Again, compromise. Be willing to admit your wrongs. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Be ready to give and forgive.
It takes two to tango. You played your part here. You are part of the problem. A relationship isn’t one-sided. It takes two people to form a bond and it takes two people to tear that bond apart. Remember that, and cultivate selflessness from it.
10 Questions to Ask Yourself
Sit down - alone. Go through the following 10 questions. Answer them honestly and using the above attributes.
1. Can you see yourself with this person forever? Can you picture growing old with them?
Some relationships aren’t meant to last forever. People may come in and out of your life for a reason, and that’s absolutely okay. It happens. But if you see this person being a focal point in your life in the future or someone you want there through any ups and downs that come your way, then perhaps rebuilding isn’t a bad call.
2. Do I want to make this work?
Are you willing to put in the work? It’s going to take some emotional ups and downs to get through it. Are you okay with that? If yes, keep on reading!
3. What is ‘love’ to me?
Is love a choice? Are you choosing to love this person? Or is love a feeling? Do you feel something with this person? Love means different things for different people. Define it for yourself, and determine whether it still exists for you.
4. What is the basis of my relationship?
Is it sex? Is it for someone to lean on during hard times? Do you enjoy their company? These are all things to consider. Again, ask yourself: is this what you want?
5. Why did we originally become friends or begin our relationship?
Think back to the beginning. What were your reasons for forming a relationship or friendship? Sometimes this can rekindle old feelings. Other times, it may affirm the beginning of the end. People grow apart. It’s life.
6. Will others be impacted by a break-up?
If the answer is yes, think about if you’re just doing it for others more than yourself. Another thing to think about here is whether or not children are involved. While it may seem best to stay together for the children, sometimes a hostile environment is exactly the opposite of what your child needs. But if you believe you can work it out and move forward, then it may also be worthwhile to work on rebuilding.
7. What do I need in this relationship?
What is non-negotiable? Write it down.
8. What have I done to create problems within our relationship?
Remember, it takes two. Be honest about your feelings and your wrongs. Take your time with this one, and afterward, consider coming up with solutions on how you can work on these issues or resolve them.
9. What positive things come from this relationship or friendship?
This might come back to the basis of your relationship, but it’s worth exploring. Emphasize the positive if you truly want to make it work. This is important.
Go through the scenarios in your head. If they react a certain way, what are you willing to compromise? What are you willing to put up with? What aren’t you?
And Thus, the Rebuilding Begins…
If you’ve decided to work on it, make sure you’ve decided to actively approach the relationship with a positive mindset. Be genuine. Set your boundaries. Know what you want.
Be prepared to put in the work. It’s not a walk in the park. Conversations will be necessary to have. Feelings will have to be put aside. But you can rebuild a broken relationship. Just know what you’re getting into.
If all else fails, know when it’s time to let go. Sometimes, you have to let someone go in your life to find your own happiness.
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